Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
