the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
