Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
