I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
