I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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