I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
