guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
