Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
