i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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