ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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