i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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