I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
