After last night, I could never be a politician.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
