pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
