I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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