Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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