Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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