1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
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I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
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Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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