Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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