Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
i came on her dog
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Randomize
