He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
