it's too hot outside to masturbate.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
