how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
