so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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