The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
