you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
