i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
