Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
