he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
