I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
