He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
