found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
