Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
