Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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