I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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