i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
