did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
