I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
