I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
