my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
