Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
