Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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