Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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