highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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