saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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