I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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