then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
When did angry sex become our thing?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
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