Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize