I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
