He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
