She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
