And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
