Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
