The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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