im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize